i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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