I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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