if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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