so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
