If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
