This is not my ceiling
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
