Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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