If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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