if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize