Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Please don't give away my fajitas
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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