I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
