You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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