he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
