did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
