im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
