I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My penis needs a shock collar
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize