Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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