Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
