It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
