She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
