Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize