She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
