That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
