I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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