did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
