i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Randomize
