Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
