Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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