when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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