I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Randomize
