I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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