I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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