im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
