Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
