Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
