Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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