I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
