I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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