i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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