so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
