You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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