If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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