I just cut my nipple shaving
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
my shit smells like andre
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
