just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
