I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
