she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
