did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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