I'm gonna have a badass scar
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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