do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
