FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Why is there bacon in the couch?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
