Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
