Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
