I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
