One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize