glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
