Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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