some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
