K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
